What if I told you that you will never need to engage in a "difficult" or "tough" conversation ever again?
(I am stepping over your reaction to the above question right now, as that could probably be a full conversation/post of itself.)
It's true.
First, foremost and ABSOLUTELY most importantly....
STOP.
REFERRING.
TO.
IT.
AS.
DIFFICULT/HARD/ETC!
Do you know, with absolute certainty that it will be difficult? If you do, PLEASE share with me the lottery numbers for tonight so I can go grab my ticket.
There is literally no way that you can know, one hundred percent, that the conversation will be difficult or tough. That perception, belief or story is you viewing the conversation through the lens of your past. It may be your past with this person or someone else. Either way, the past is NOT a fortune teller. Otherwise, we'd all be millionaires....and we're not...yet...
Call it a "growth" conversation, a "heart to heart", a "progress" discussion. Use the word "wake up call" or "performance" or "curiosity". Call it anything that is neutral or even positive.
Somewhere along the way, we came to believe and see that conversations about meaningful stuff or where we're giving/receiving feedback MUST be difficult. We came to believe that anything that's not CLEARLY rainbows and sunshine must then be hard or tough.
We are wonderful, capable beings. We are complex. AND. We always forget this...but we LOVE to grow. We love to learn and explore and grow. AND. We love to know others. We are a tribal creature who naturally wants to help others. I promise you, whatever you need to talk about, can be neutral and inspiring for both of you. It does not have to be tough or difficult. So...stop calling it that. Start referring to it as something better.
Second. Now, I promise I will circle back to the logical/reasonable brain but the next two steps are going to seem a bit "woo". Stick with me and trust me.
So, second: how you want them to show up in the meeting? Do you want them to show up with grace or gratitude, receptivity or openness? Curiosity or care? If this conversation could go exactly how you want it to, how would they show up? Don't worry about what they would say; we all know they could say the most perfect thing and we would know by their energy that they want to punch us in the face. I invite you to close your eyes, take a deep breath and then REALLY envision how they show up in this conversation, how they receive you and what you have to tell them, what qualities and energy they bring into the conversation.
Third: shine that light back on you, how do you want to show up during the conversation? Do you want to be courageous and vulnerable? Do you want to convey that you believe in them? Do you want to come across as caring and in their corner? Do you want to convey that you are sorry and learning? Again, don't worry about the words you'll say. (We both know you could say the most perfect thing with the wrong attitude and it'll land like a lead pipe.) Again, I invite you to close your eyes, take a deep breath and REALLY envision how YOU show up in this conversation. What qualities will you bring to the conversation? Will you be open and curious? Will you be calm? Will you be strong and assertive as you're standing up for what's best for you/them/whomever? Really see (& feel) it.
Okay, okay, now I'll bring you back to the logical/reasonable/doing brain. Step four: prep for the meeting. I know my overthinkers run through a thousand (typically negative) scenarios in their heads; this invitation is for everyone to jot down the important aspects of the conversation. What do you want to make sure you ask them? What do you want to make sure you tell them? What do you expect them to ask or say to you? What might you respond with? The point is not to memorize these questions and responses. The point is to get it out of your head so you can be totally present during the conversation. Our brains are amazing tools and even if you write a few notes down once, you're brain will be able to pull from it. And. Prepping ALWAYS makes us feel better. 99% of the time, we realize we were worried or overthinking it for no reason. The other 1% of the time, we are able to look at that big "oh no" that might happen and prep for it.
Lastly, right before you enter the conversation, I want you to remind yourself that both of you are doing your best and really try to believe that. You are trying to be the partner/parent/boss/colleague/child you possibly can and so are they. Even if they have been "acting out", I assert that it's the best they are able to do right now. Again, we are a tribal species who naturally want to help others. Any action out of alignment with this is one taken from fear.
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