What is one boundary you want to set?
Answering the phone less from a sibling/parent/child/etc?
Starting/stopping work at a different time?
No phone Sunday?
Thirty minutes after dinner to read/knit/swim/etc?
In your mind, how do you need to go about setting up this boundary?
If your like one of my clients last week(and me & my people), you probably default to solving it yourself. My client defaults to “my boundary, my problem,” in that they must do all this secret work to build the wall in the dark of night, develop all this strength to uphold it. If they’re not willing to do all of that on their own, then their(and mine & my people’s) belief is that we must accept the behavior as is. We own that we must become the villain or the bad guy that essentially puts an end to the other person’s behavior. We have to enable Do Not Disturb on our phones or an Out of Office message. We must take all the action to stop the other person.
While yes, I believe it serves us to know what WE want and be strong enough to hold the boundary we desire. As with everything…we don’t HAVE to do it all on our own. It doesn’t have to go this way.
Did you know, before you put up that boundary/fence/wall, you can ask other people if they would shift their behavior?
Have you asked that person to call just once a week?
Have you asked folks not to schedule meetings before/after a certain time?
Have you asked folks not to reach out to you on Sundays?
Have you asked your family/roommates not to ask you for anything until 30 minutes after dinner?
For one of my clients, when I brought this idea up, asking the other person if they would shift their behavior, my client’s mind was blown. For them, (and me & my people), while arriving at a similar ideal result, asking the other person to shift their behavior/actions, is a totally different approach. What was previously thought of as a wall my client(and me & my people) constructed without the other person knowing, suddenly becomes a fence they build together. They no longer need to be the sly fox working in the dark, surprising the other person with this sudden wall/boundary; they are just a neighbor doing what they need in the middle of a bright, sunny day. The guilt is gone.
And.
This is the case IRRESPECTIVE of the other person’s actions. If the other person agrees to shift their behavior, they feel this way. If the other person does not agree, they feel more empowered to stand up for themselves and proudly put up that boundary in broad daylight.
So, that boundary you’ve been trying to set for weeks(or months/years/decades), what might it be like if, instead of solving it on your own, you asked the other person to shift their behavior?
If boundaries are something you struggle with and would like to have more of, I’d love to connect to see if I can help. Comment or DM me #ICANCREATEBOUNDARIES and I’ll reach out to you.
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